If you ever see me getting beaten by the
police, put down the video
camera and come help me.
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having
to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I
figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Think of your three best
friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
--Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent
image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over
it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of
the body before you do the wash.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a
beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four
people make up 75 percent of the population.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You
know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a
psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that little
Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there.
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past
me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe
clippers right here.'
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my
fishburger and I realize, Oh my God. I could be eating a slow learner.
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, 'A truck!'
"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5
miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is."
"I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's
where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go to my
sister's house and ask her for money."
"Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm
sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that
the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"
"My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the
lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how
to swim. I said,'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' "
"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single
file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like
the way the Republicans were running the country.
Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself
in the head to stop your headache."
"Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second."
"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh."
"When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they
would only play with each other."
"Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.
That's why you should never date a baseball player."
"My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me advice. One
day, he took me aside and left me there."
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same
thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?"
"I was raised by just my mom. See, my father died when I was eight
years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter."
"The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I
already missed it. They're just rubbing it in."
"Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease."
"You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day."
"If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and
Gomorrah an apology."
"Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is
still far away."
"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
"I have such poor vision I can date anybody."
"I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it."
"I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them
above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' "
"I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I
don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was
herself. You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me,
me, me.' You know. 'Help me, put me out.'Come on, could we talk
about me just a little bit?" --Garry Shandling
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but
to accept God's final word on where your lips end."
"I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said,
'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough.
Let's go west.' "
MORE TO COME. . .
Back to Top